Added: Tawanda Jeffrey - Date: 11.01.2022 17:11 - Views: 43820 - Clicks: 6562
Uh-oh, it looks like your Internet Explorer is out of date. For a better shopping experience, please upgrade now.
NOOK Book. Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Maggie and Victor, a couple in their mid-fifties who were contemplating divorce after twenty-nine years of marriage, told me this story:"We met in graduate school," Maggie recalled. I had the strangest reaction. My legs wanted to carry me to him, but my head was telling me to stay away. The feelings were so strong that I felt faint and had to sit down. I've never felt so intensely about anyone in my entire life. Rayna and Mark, a couple ten years younger, had a more tepid and prolonged courtship. They met through a mutual friend. Rayna asked a friend if she knew any single men, and her friend said she knew an interesting man named Mark who had recently separated from his wife.
She hesitated to introduce him to Rayna, however, because she didn't think that they would be a good match. We spent the whole evening talking in the kitchen. But three weeks went by, and she didn't hear a word.
Eventually she prompted her friend to find out if Mark was interested in her.
With the friend's urging, Mark invited Rayna to the movies. That was the beginning of their courtship, but it was never a torrid romance. Finally, three years later, we got married.
Why do some people fall in love with such intensity, seemingly at first glance? Why do some couples ease into a love relationship with a levelheaded friendship? And why, as in the case ofRayna and Mark, do so many couples seem to have opposite personality traits?
When we have the answers to these questions, we will also have our first clues to the hidden psychological desires that underlie intimate love relationships. Some biologists contend that there is a certain "bio-logic" to courtship behavior. According to this broad, evolutionary view of love, we instinctively select mates who will enhance the survival of the species.
Women select mates for slightly different biological reasons. Because youth and physical health aren't essential to the male reproductive role, women instinctively favor mates with pronounced "alpha" qualities, the ability to dominate other males and bring home more than their share of the kill.
The assumption is that male dominance ensures the survival of the family group more than youth or beauty. Whether we like it or not, a woman's youth and physical appearance and a man's power and social status doplay a role in mate selection, as a quick scan of The love you want personal messages in the classified will attest: "Successful forty-five-year-old S. But even though biological factors play a key role in our amorous advances, there's got to be more to love than this.
Let's move on to another field of study, social psychology, and explore what is known as the "exchange" theory of mate selection. When we are on a search-and-find mission for a partner, we size each other up as coolly as business executives contemplating a merger, noting each other's physical appeal, financial status, and social rank, as well as various personality traits such as kindness, creativity, and a sense of humor.
With computer-like speed, we tally up each other's scores, and if the s are roughly equivalent, the trading bell rings and the bidding begins. The exchange theory gives us a more comprehensive view of mate selection than the simple biological model.
It's not just youth, beauty, and social rank that interests us, say the social psychologists, but the whole person. For example, the fact that a woman is past her prime or that a man has a low-status job can be offset by the fact that he or she is a charming, intelligent, compassionate person. A third idea, the "persona" theory, adds yet another dimension to the phenomenon of romantic attraction.
Each of us has a mask, a persona, which is the face that we show to other people. The persona theory suggests that we select a mate who will enhance this self-image. The operative question here is: "What will it do to my sense of self if I am seen with this person?
We have all experienced some pride and perhaps some embarrassmentbecause of the way we believe our mates are perceived by others; it does indeed matter to us what others think. Although these three theories help explain some aspects of romantic love, we are still left with our original questions. In fact, the more deeply we look at the phenomenon of romantic attraction, the more incomplete these theories appear to be. For example, what s for the emotional devastation that frequently accompanies the breakup of a relationship, that deadly undertow of feelings that can drown us in anxiety and self-pity?
One client said to me as his girlfriend was leaving him: "I can't sleep or eat. My chest feels like it's going to explode. I cry all the time, and I don't know what to do. There is another puzzling aspect of romantic attraction: we seem to have much more discriminating tastes than any of these theories would indicate. To see what I mean, take a moment to reflect on your own dating history.
In your lifetime you have met thousands of people; as a conservative estimate, let's suppose that several hundred of them were physically attractive enough or successful enough to catch your eye. When we narrow this field by applying the social-exchange theory, we might come up with fifty or a hundred people The love you want of this select group who would have a combined "point value" equal to or greater than yours.
Logically, you should have fallen in love with scores of people. Yet most people The love you want been deeply attracted to only a few individuals. In fact, when I counsel single people, I hear again and again that "there just aren't any good men or women out there! Take a moment and think about the personality traits of the people that you have seriously considered as mates.
If you were to make a list of their predominate personality traits, you would discover a lot of similarities, including, surprisingly, their negative traits. From my vantage point as a relationship therapist, I see the unmistakable pattern in my clients' choice of relationship partners. One night, in a group-therapy session, I was listening to a man who was three months into his second marriage.
When his first marriage broke up, he had vowed to the group that he would never be involved with a woman like his first wife. He thought she was mean, grasping, and selfish. Yet he confessed during the session that the day before he had "heard" the voice of his ex-wife coming from the lips of his new partner. With a sense of panic he realized that the two women had nearly identical personalities. It appears that each one of us is compulsively searching for a mate with a very particular set of positive and negative personality traits. In the post-Freudian era, most people have become quite adept at rummaging around in the unconscious for explanations of daily events.
We talk knowledgeably about "Freudian slips," analyze our dreams, and look for ways in which the unconscious might be influencing our daily behavior. Even so, most of us vastly underestimate the scope of the unconscious mind. There is an analogy that might give a better appreciation for its pervasive influence. In the daytime, we can'tsee the stars. We talk as if they "come out" at night, even though they are there all the The love you want. We also underestimate the sheer of stars.
We look up at the sky, see a smattering of dim stars, and assume that's all there is.
When we travel far away from city lights, we see a sky strewn with stars and are overwhelmed by the brilliance of the heavens. But it is only when we study astronomy that we learn the whole truth: the hundreds of thousands of stars that we see on a clear, The love you want night in the country are only a fraction of the stars in the universe, and many of the points of light that we assume to be stars are in fact entire galaxies. So it is with the unconscious mind: the orderly, logical thoughts of our conscious mind are but a thin veil over the unconscious, which is active and functioning at all times.
Let's take a brief look at the structure of the brain, that mysterious and complex organ with many different subdivisions. For simplicity's sake, I like to use neuroscientist Paul McLean's model and divide the brain into three concentric layers. Located at the base of the skull, this portion of the brain is sometimes referred to as the "reptilian brain," because all vertebrates from reptiles to mammals share this portion of the anatomy.
For the purpose of this discussion, let's think of the brain stem as the source of physical action. Flaring like a wishbone around the top of the brain stem is the portion of the brain called the limbic system, whose function seems to be the generation of vivid emotions.
Scientists can surgically stimulate the limbic system of laboratory animals and create spontaneous outbursts of fear and aggression. In this book I use the term "old brain" to refer to the portion of the brain that includes both the brain stem and the limbic system. Think of the old brain as being hard-wired and determining most of your automatic reactions.
The final area of the brain is the cerebral cortex, a large, convoluted mass of brain tissue that surrounds the two inner sections and is itself divided into four regions or lobes.
This portion of the brain, which is most highly developed in Homo sapiens, is the site of most of our cognitive functions. I refer to the cerebral cortex as the "new brain" because it appeared most recently in evolutionary history.The love you want
email: [email protected] - phone:(969) 573-5740 x 4560
Getting the Love You Want